At my side. Thank you.

Hand in hand through life. Together.

In Two Days, I Will Marry the Woman Who Never Questioned My Transition

My partner never asked whether I was really sure. She did not try to talk me out of following my path. She did not treat my identity as a phase, and she never made her love conditional on how much of the change happened to feel comfortable for her at any given moment. She accepted me as the woman I am and remained by my side.

That is an indescribable gift. And shortly before our wedding, there is one thing above all that I want to say: Thank You!

Love Does Not Mean Everything Is Immediately Easy

Her support was unconditional. That did not mean every moment was easy.

She, too, had to process what my transition meant for her, for us, and for the life we shared. She needed time. Sometimes she felt overwhelmed, especially in the beginning. At the time, I was only just beginning to understand who I was, what I needed, and what my path might look like. Many things moved quickly because something inside me that had been hidden for a very long time was finally being given room to exist. For my partner, however, some of those steps came suddenly, without giving her enough time to prepare herself emotionally.

Both of these things can be true at the same time. For me, my transition was not an attack on our relationship. It was the path toward an honest life. For her, something nevertheless changed in the relationship she had known until then. She had to allow questions for which neither of us had answers yet. She had to reconsider her own perceptions, expectations, and perhaps some things she had always taken for granted.

What she never did was make my identity negotiable.

She was allowed to feel uncertain, but she never tried to make me doubt myself. She was allowed to need time, but she never demanded that I put my life on hold. She was allowed to have her own feelings and thoughts, but she never made me responsible for managing them. That is what unconditional support means to me. She did not simply stand beside me. She walked with me. And she continues to do so.

Suddenly a Same-Sex Couple

We became aware of just how much not only my life, but also the way our relationship was seen had changed when we registered our marriage, in a particularly charming moment.

We were sitting at the registry office discussing the documents we would need. At some point, the registrar matter-of-factly explained that she still needed the paperwork required to register a same-sex marriage.

My partner looked visibly surprised for a moment.

And then came the realization: Of course. We are two women. Naturally, we are registering a same-sex marriage. One might wonder why that requires different paperwork than other marriages, but that is not going to be the subject of this blog post.

It was only a small moment, almost a footnote among forms and formalities. And yet, to me, it says a great deal about the journey we have taken together. My wife had long since accepted me as a woman so completely and naturally that the bureaucratic classification of our relationship briefly caught her by surprise. The word “same-sex” had to catch up with what had already become our everyday reality.

This Friday, we will get married. Not despite my transition. Not because our love survived some extraordinary test. We are getting married because we love one another, because we share a life, and because we continue to choose each other.

And yes, we are getting married as two women. ❤️

This Kind of Happiness Cannot Be Taken for Granted

Many trans people fear losing their relationship after coming out, and that fear is not unfounded. Some partners respond with love, some feel helpless, and some reject the person entirely. Some relationships find a new and deeper form. Others end even when both people continue to treat each other with respect. Still others fail because of contempt, control, or the demand that the trans person remain invisible as a condition of being loved.

A relationship can survive a transition. It can grow through it. But there is no guarantee, and keeping the relationship together is never solely the responsibility of the trans person.

“Bringing your partner along” must therefore never mean having to prove your identity, postponing necessary steps indefinitely, or accepting mistreatment. Where the relationship is fundamentally based on love and respect, it means giving each other access to what the other person is experiencing. The trans person needs room to finally be herself. The partner needs room to understand the changes at their own pace. Neither of these needs should erase the other.

What Can Help Couples Along the Way

Do not rely on one big conversation

Coming out within a relationship is rarely finished after one conversation. The dgti guide aptly describes it not as a single event completed with the first discussion, but as the beginning of an ongoing process in which couples can grow together.¹ It is often more helpful to have many smaller conversations. What do I already know about myself? What do I not know yet? Which next steps do I want to take? Which of those are urgent, and which can be allowed to develop over time? That way, the couple does not have to decide the future of their entire relationship in a single night.

Honesty matters more than an appearance of certainty. No one has to present a complete transition plan at the beginning. A sentence such as, “I do not yet know exactly where this path will lead me, but I want to include you in it,” can be more honest and create more connection than answers given only to calm someone’s fears.

Acknowledge feelings, but set clear boundaries

Partners are allowed to feel confused, sad, or afraid. They may wonder what the transition means for their own sexual orientation, how others will perceive them, physical intimacy, or their shared future. Acknowledging these feelings does not mean accepting every reaction.

Deliberate misgendering, deadnaming, threats, public humiliation, or attempts to forbid a transition are not a necessary “processing phase.” Respect is not something that should emerge only at the end of a long learning process. It is the foundation that makes such a process possible.

It can help to distinguish together between feelings that simply need a safe space, questions the couple can work through together, and issues the partner would be better discussing with friends, a counseling service, or a therapist of their own. The trans person should not have to navigate her transition while also carrying every fear experienced by those around her.

Make concrete agreements instead of relying on unspoken expectations

Many conflicts do not arise from rejection, but from different speeds and unspoken assumptions. That is why it is worth speaking very concretely. Which name and pronouns should be used in which setting? Who may be told, and when? How will you handle photographs, family gatherings, or government agencies? Which kinds of physical touch continue to feel good, and which trigger dysphoria? Which words will you use for your relationship and your sexual orientation?

These agreements are snapshots. They are allowed to change. What matters is that both people know what has been agreed upon, instead of leaving one person to guess what the next step will be.

Do not reduce the relationship to the transition

Especially at the beginning, it can feel as though the transition dominates every conversation. Appointments, names, clothing, bodies, coming out, and other people’s reactions take up an enormous amount of space. That makes it even more important to remember that the relationship is more than the transition.

Shared rituals, dates, humor, and plans for the future are not trivial. They create experiences in which the couple is not merely working through a problem, but continuing to live together. Sometimes it helps simply to agree that, for one evening, no organizational transition matters will be discussed and the couple will instead do something they both enjoy.

Accept outside support

Love is not a substitute for knowledge or counseling. Partners sometimes need a place where they can ask questions without placing that burden on the trans person. Trans people, in turn, need spaces where they do not constantly have to explain, reassure, or mediate.

Peer counseling, groups for family members and partners, and couples counseling that is knowledgeable and respectful about queer and trans lives can be especially helpful. Before beginning couples counseling, it is worth asking what experience the counselor has with the realities of trans people’s lives. Counseling should not pass judgment on whether a transition is “right.” It should help the couple speak respectfully about needs, boundaries, and change.

Support Services and Resources

Anyone in a similar situation does not have to walk this path alone. Germany has a growing network of counseling services specifically intended for the partners and family members of trans people, not only for trans people themselves.

The dgti offers peer counseling.² Its article on coming out within a relationship provides practical guidance for the conversation itself, including choosing the right moment, preparing emotionally, and responding to different reactions.¹

Trans-Ident e.V.³ provides free counseling for trans, intersex, and nonbinary people, as well as their relatives and friends. It also offers an online group for partners that is accessible throughout Germany and currently meets once a month, on the fourth Thursday of each month.

For people in and around Munich, the TransInter Counseling Center Munich is an important point of contact. It is a project of Münchner Aidshilfe and explicitly offers counseling to the relatives and friends of trans and intersex people as well.⁴

The free guide Stark! Ein Ratgeber für Angehörige von Transmenschen provides information and personal accounts specifically for parents and partners. The Bundesverband Trans* also recommends the brochure.⁵

Queer Lexikon regularly addresses questions from partners through its advice column.⁶ Its responses can offer an accessible starting point, although they do not replace individual counseling.

There are also protected regional groups for family members. One example is the support group for relatives of trans people run by checkpoint queer in Lüneburg. Its meetings generally take place once a month and are sometimes available online to make participation easier for family members.⁷ Similar services can be found by asking local queer centers and trans counseling organizations.

Thank You, My Love

I know that my journey has changed your life too. I know that, in the beginning, I was not always able to explain what was happening inside me, and that my pace sometimes overwhelmed you. That makes it mean even more to me that you never asked me to become the person others had believed me to be again. The person you had first met me as.

You gave me time to find myself. At the same time, you took the time you needed to find your own place in our new life together. Today, we are not standing where we stood before my transition. We are standing somewhere more honest. And from this place, it is easier to look toward our shared future than it ever could have been from a place where I had to hide who I was.

This Friday, you will become my wife, and I will become yours. In my heart, you have been my wife for a long time already.

Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for standing by my side.

I love you. ❤️

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj_MaUxlnjc

And of course, this just made me cry...

Yours, Lizbeth (And yours too, of course!)

Sources

1. dgti (Katha with Pride): Tipps für dein Coming-out als trans* in der Partnerschaft: Wie du den Schritt wagst und was du beachten solltest, 23. Oktober 2024. https://dgti.org/2024/10/23/coming-out-in-der-partnerschaft/

2. dgti e. V.: Peer-to-Peer-Beratung für Trans* und Inter*. https://dgti.org/peerberatung-fuer-trans-und-inter/

3. Trans-Ident e. V.: Online-Gruppe für Partner*innen, Termine jeweils am vierten Donnerstag im Monat. https://trans-ident.de/gruppen/partner_innen/

4. TransInterBeratungsstelle München (ein Projekt der Münchner Aidshilfe e. V.): Beratungsangebot. https://trans-inter-beratungsstelle.de/de/beratung.html

5. Bundesverband Trans*: Empfehlung „Stark! Ein Ratgeber für Angehörige von Trans*menschen". https://www.bundesverband-trans.de/lesestoff-stark-ein-ratgeber-fuer-angehoerige-von-transmenschen/

6. Queer Lexikon: Kummerkastenantwort, Meine Partnerperson hat sich als trans geoutet, 15. Februar 2021. https://queer-lexikon.net/2021/02/15/kummerkastenantwort-1-022-meine-partnerperson-hat-sich-als-trans-geoutet/

7. checkpoint queer: Trans-Angehörigen-Gesprächsgruppe. https://checkpoint-queer.de/trans-angehoerigen-gespraechsgruppe/